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Jul. 1st, 2009

Short and Sweet (I'm a Hypocrite)

This would be much easier to write if a 90lb German Shepherd wasn't on my forearm, I guess I will just have to make due.

Looking back on my posts I see how personal they were from 2006-2008, compared to others divulging class updates or humorous anecdotes from my day. I guess I'm saying that I will be attempting (key word) to keep my updates less deep and sappy. I know how much you all love the sap, but I believe I wrote what and how I did because there was no one in my actual life to speak to and now I feel the need to retract. One gushing post might slip between the cracks, but that's just a chance I'm going to have to take in keeping this.

Livejournal, you're oh so tempting because you've been around for 5 years now, unbiasedly listening but now I feel almost foolish for the things I've said because who knows who has been getting their kicks off my sad life or who I've hurt with my thoughts? It could be why I have 7 or 8 month periods sans writing in you because those moments are overflowing with issues that might be even too much for your blank text boxes to handle. Sometimes I wish I could purge this entire thing, but it's the most concrete record of my growth from the age of 16 to 21, so I cannot destroy my memories- no matter how childish, foolish, whiny, or poorly grammatically recorded they may have been. I'm in the mood now to keep posts short and sweet, the lengthy ones will probably be set to private. *Thinks back to multiple sappy posts and why they were not kept private* I believe it's because for the longest time I used this as a form of communication between myself a forbidden love. Oh, those were fun days.


However, it's time for a current life update:

*On last day of antibiotics for tonsilitis.
*Anxiety continues stealing my sleep and comes back throughout the day.
*Sessions with Diane keep going poorly.
*Things with Tom are very well.
*I keep putting off plans for college in the fall.
*I haven't gone out in two weeks and I'm slowly losing my mind.
*Breathe Me by Sia is my new "drown in self pity" song.
*Thanks to Tom, I see how much arse The Smashing Pumpkins do indeed kick.
*I have some awesome 7 layer nacho dip- it's not making me forget how much I despise the majority of my reality, just distracting me long enough to get through another half hour.
*I use "proper" capitalization now (oh God, the world is truly falling apart)


Summary:

I am a confused, sick bum who will hopefully be an emotionally secure, healthy college student not before long, and I have a best friend to help me along the way. He also enjoys Mexican-based foods and sweet, sweet music.

Jun. 30th, 2009

Breathe Me- Sia

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbP0c9TZfzM

I hate how vulnerable admitting this has made me feel.

Apr. 29th, 2009

Disillusionment

Breathing is jagged.
Sight is blurred
My mouth is dry,
speech is slurred.

Do you know who you are,
What you are?
I can't remember.
Why can't I remember?

Where does my perception
of you and I start and end?
I don't know what I am,
or why I am. 



I grasp for an anchor.



Existence doesn't 
exist.
Reality isn't
real.
Normalcy isnt
here.

Fear of the unknown
when familiarity has ceased,
is suffocating awareness.
We are too fast.

Pulse raises,
Stabbing pain resonates.
Panic ebbs and flows,
as does nausea.
 


Floating.



My perception is 
flitting above in a place
I don't understand,
comprehension fades.

Time doesn't count
No comfort, no rest,
No place is serene
and no place feels safe.

I let myself drown in
Pain, fear, disillusionment,
Because I do recall
one simple truth.



It will stop.

Apr. 28th, 2009

(no subject)

Cream walls.
Bare.

Sterile,
lonely,
depleted.


Grey eyes.
Full.

Dirty,
lonely,
depleted.

Nov. 28th, 2008

this room keeps a constant tone while im on a rollercoaster.

i love you so much.
i hate that i love you.
i'm starting to hate you.

i wish i could forget you ever called me yours.
i wish i could forget the best and worst moments of my life. 
i wish i could forget you. 

this room is so empty, but there is no room to breathe.
i can't breathe, i can't feel anything but loneliness, anything but pain,
anyone but you.

my chest may implode and i would love it
then i would never feel a single thing, never feel love or hate for a person,
especially you.



"the past the present and the future are all side by side, hand in hand, you move and change but you go nowhere, everything stays the same."

Nov. 7th, 2008

Andy Warhol

I wish I was made of plastic, just pretty to look at and anything I did wouldn't matter. I'd be like a doll, just with nothing going on in my head. I wouldn't have this heart that hurts, I wouldn't feel pain, I wouldn't feel joy, I wouldn't ever feel hungry or tired. People would love me for my simplicity, making them forget about their lives.

That's not the case though. Mr. Warhol tried proving the irony that people were in love with these 'plastic' objects of Hollywood and consumerism to show just how devoid of emotion and meaning they really were, how we loved them despite them being so far from the way we're meant to be. I'm not plastic, I'm not a doll, I'm not a Marylin Monroe [she was probably tired of being this too, but we all know how she got out of that] I'm not a meaningless mass produced object. I'm not a Campbell's soup can, Mickey Mouse or a hamburger. [If no one knows who Warhol was, they're going to think I'm a bit touched in the head.]

This became especially aparent these past three months that I'm so far from being made of plastic. I've felt the worst pain of  my life and even the best joy and freedom I've had in over a year. I've changed, I've cut ties and chopped off my hair. I fell out of love then back in again with someone who was there all along. I felt trapped, but then liberated myself. I've layed on the couch not moving, not wanting to even breathe and I've gone out again running down the sidewalks of Main St. like a person just out of jail. I've died emotionally and then metaphorically reborn through my love for God, other people and most importantly myself.

I love myself.
Weird.

But it's a nice feeling. It's also a great feeling when you flip someone off who thought you'd never pick yourself up as you're driving home. Hah. I'm not one for profanity, but oh there was no better way to capture exactly what I feel about that person. That night was what I needed, because that "fuck you" was triumphant.

 
Plastic doesn't grow as a person, plastic also doesn't flip off it's ex with a victorious smile.

"If you feel discouraged when there's a lack of color here, please don't worry lover it's really bursting at the seams. This is fact not fiction, for the first time in years. All the girls in every girly magazine can't make you feel any less alone." 

-Nicole Marie

Sep. 16th, 2008

It's not really goodbye because I always see you in my dreams.


Just, you dont even know how hard this is for me. I feel pathetic, because I seriously can never sleep since this happened. My dreams feel more like my reality because in them at least I can see your eyes, remember how your hair smells, how your hand fits mine, I can hear your voice, and when I wake up it seems like a nightmare because everything is so wrong; logic says I should stay asleep all the time. But I'm sure I only see you so much in my dreams because when I go to lay down I can't make thoughts of you go away. Fighting off the urge to call you at 4 a.m. is a battle I have no idea how I win. It's why I dont sleep, because basically I'm always on the verge of tears and trying to keep myself from talking to you. A part of me knows your wouldn't pick it up anyway and I would feel a thousand times worse as I went back to my room in this quiet house.

I loved you. I still love you, and still loving someone who can do such things as you, says one of two things: I'm really pathetic or I just love you no matter how you hurt me. Maybe, the last one makes me pathetic so we could just rule out the first choice. But I did walk away from you the moment you decided to as well, because I knew you were going to even though I showed you all the ways we could make this better. When you give up it's easy to see, impossible to change, and it kills me to know you no longer see me as your friend.

On the outside, I'm the strong girl who walked away for seeing how you can be, who "bettered her life," but I'm really the girl who falls asleep listening to sad music on these rainy nights, holding her pillow, wishing so hard it just about kills her that it was you. You were my best friend, my other half, and now my favorite dream, my favorite memory, the person I think of when I see any movie or hear any song. You and I had a lot of things against us that we couldn't control, but there were so many things we could have. But as easy as it would be to hold them against you, as easy as it would be for me to point fingers and give you what you deserve and even things you don't out of hurt, I stop myself. Wearing a smile to hide what I'm feeling, I get up and out of this bed and keep moving, keep breathing because isnt it better to have found someone in this life you loved more than you loved yourself than to have always been alone?

I really think so.

So, when you fall asleep each night, just know there really is someone out there who just wants you happy, who still sees you as her angel. If she passes you on the street, she might not smile the biggest, but how could she as she lives without you?

I'm too heartbroken to write anymore, I'm sure anyone who reads this is going to need to grab a copy of P.S. I Love You and make a date with Ben and Jerry. I sure as hell need to.

Sep. 15th, 2008

I dont see what anyone sees in anyone else but you.


Juno: I'm losing faith in humanity. I just need to know that it's possible for two people to stay happy together forever, or at least for a few years...
 
Dad: In my opinion, the best thing you can do is to find a person who loves you for [exactly what you are]. Good mood, mad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person worth sticking with.

Juno: I sort of already have.

Sep. 14th, 2008

I'm waiting for the sun



I had to tell you goodbye once again and it kills. Today is day before our anniversary, just like the last time. It was raining like it was tonight as well; the only difference is that you fought to keep me with you.

2-15-06 to 11-14-06
             &
4-15-08 to 9-14-08

You always said too many things happened between us to just be coincidences. I love you. Goodbye, my favorite memory.

"Is it you I want, or just the notion of a heart to wrap around to find my way around. Rain, rain go away. Come again another day, all the world is waiting for the sun."

Sep. 13th, 2008

Open My Eyes

I wish you just would've let me go when you decided that you felt I was just a friend to you. Instead of keeping me around and doing things that 'just friends' don't do, or saying things that 'just friends' don't say. The moment you began to doubt me and you, was the moment you should've left. Then I wouldnt have spent all my moments thinking of you, and being in love with someone who doesnt really feel it back. All these nights I wonder why you can't tell me why you love me, the reasons I'm special to you, why you never say 'hello, how are you sweetheart?' first; now I understand. I understand why you can be so mean to me, I understand that when I tell you that you're breaking my heart how you can be so cold and not even care and keep doing it. You kept this to yourself and let your apathy and coldness build, meanwhile I was too blind to see it. Do you know why? Because I loved you, with everything I had. I'm stupid for being so trusting.

'We can't control all the bad moments we have in this life; we can't control the loss of those we love or the scars we acquire along the way, but we can control how we heal, how we live after the pain. We make our own happiness.' -Nicole

That was taken from one of the last meaningful conversations I may ever have with you.

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